Parenting Traps and How To Avoid Them
A wise saying has it that “Of making many books there is no end,” and this can definitely be applied to parenting books. With all the thousands of parenting books out there, it’s a good rule of thumb to pay attention to what seems common to them all – to what keeps popping up. Perhaps there is some truth to it.
In one way or another, I have seen these “parenting traps” often come up. As a dad of three small children, I have certainly experienced these – I have fallen into them myself, many times. I bet you have too.
Two Parenting Traps and How to Avoid them:
The “Positive Reinforcement Trap” – Simply put, this is giving the child something they want (e.g. toy, candy, attention) when they engage in a behavior we do not want (e.g. fussing, throwing a tantrum, etc.). We have all done this. It seems so clearly wrong. So why do we do it? Because it works – at least in the short run. When my two year old fusses for a cookie and I give it to him he does stop fussing – he has the cookie, no need to keep fussing. But what has he learned? Fussing equals cookie.
The “Negative Reinforcement Trap” – We fall into this trap when we reinforce unwanted behavior by associating it with the removal of something negative. For example, when I place my two year old in a car seat and he screams “out!” and I take him out I have just caused him to associate screaming “out” with the removal of something he does not want (being buckled in his car seat).
What to do next? Go through these three steps:
1.) Identify the problem behavior.
2.) Identify the trap we fall into.
3.) Avoid the trap and respond differently.
Two ways of responding differently:
Strategic rewarding – One of the quickest ways to respond differently is to just flip the reinforcement traps on their head by rewarding the behavior we want to see in our children. The most important rewards to children are not toys, but verbal rewards or praise. To praise, don’t just tell them “great job,” but specifically what they did that was great: “Great job, you put your plate in the sink!” Or, “Thank you for putting your plate in the sink!” Deliver this in a pleased, enthusiastic tone.
Strategic ignoring – Just as rewarding teaches your child what you want to see more of, ignoring teaches them what you want to see less of. Basically, ignoring is withholding attention from children. It is important to know which behaviors to ignore and which to not (don’t ignore dangerous behavior or when your child ignores your instructions). However, behaviors to avoid may include tantrums, whining, inappropriate demands for attention and inappropriate crying. Parents find this difficult to use. It helps to verbalize why you’re ignoring: “When you’re throwing a tantrum, I’m going into the kitchen. When you’re done, I can talk. Lastly, ignoring only works when you also reward behavior that you do want to see.