Counseling for Men
What are Men’s Issues?
What do I mean by Men’s Issues? Are there issues that only men struggle with? In one sense, no. We all struggle at times with anxiety, depression, grief, loss and other trials under the sun. There are not male emotions and female emotions. There are only emotions, which are expressed in more or less masculine and feminine ways. But in another sense, yes, there are issues that men in particular struggle with. Some of this is due to biological factors, some is due to social factors — whatever the cause, the differences are real. What are these differences?
Specific Issues Men Commonly Seek Out Counseling
1.) Sexual Addiction. This has truly reached epidemic proportions. Gone are the days when, to watch porn, a guy had to drive across town, show himself in public, and actually purchase a video or magazine from another person. Now, he has virtually unlimited, free access to anything imaginable — all of which can be accessed from an iPhone. If this is your struggle, know that you’re not alone. The majority of men addicted to porn were first exposed to it around age 8. By the time they’ve felt the damage — shame, depression, strained or broken relationships — their brain has literally been re-wired. And yet, there is hope. It’s a long haul ahead, but it’s worth it — to you and your family.
2.) Anger. This one is definitely influenced by how men are socialized since they were young boys. Rightly, boys are taught to be tough and to value strength. These are traits they will need in order to one day provide for and protect their family. But all too often this is the only thing they are taught to value. Consequently, any emotion deemed “weak,” is suppressed with anger. “Don’t get sad, get mad,” they hear. Sometimes, I suppose. But life is sometimes sad, too. Jesus was the perfect man — perfect in his masculinity, perfect in his emotions — and during a sad moment as he stood by one of his friends who just died, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). A common focus in working with men is expanding their emotional vocabulary. This is especially important for dads with young boys who want to help them see the world in more colors than red.
3.) Work. Work is deeply important to men. Christianity teaches that work existed before the fall; work is not a punishment, and heaven will not be an eternal retirement package. Work remains and has always been good, but it is cursed (Genesis 3:17-19). This is why work is hard; why it is painful; why we call it a “grind.” And due to the amount of time we spend at work, there’s lots of ways it can go wrong.
a.) Deciding on a career in the first place. It’s no longer common to follow in your dad’s footsteps when entering into a career. If he was a blacksmith, grab the anvil; if he was a painter, here’s a brush; if a carpenter, learn to swing a hammer. Today, most young guys opt to go to college. This is very costly. It’s best to have what you want to do dialed in before you start.
b.) Midlife crisis. Though not strictly related to work, the so-called mid-life crisis often is. Men derive a lot of meaning from work and when you hit somewhere around your mid 40s and it’s not working out like you expected, panic can start to set in. You’ve been plodding up a hill, but before you reach the pinnacle you feel yourself lose steam. You lose traction and feel yourself start to roll back down — dejected, disillusioned, despairing.
c.) Burnout. This can come at any stage of life. When it does, chances are the first thing you won’t say to yourself is, “I’m burning out.” Rather, you’re more likely to think things like, “I’m losing my touch. Why can’t I keep track of things like I used to? What’s wrong with me?” And as you do, you’re then likely to double-down and try harder which of course is like trying to dig your tires out of a ditch by slamming on the gas pedal.
These are a sampling of some of the issues that men deal with. Just as I never want to lose sight of the particular person in counseling, neither do I want to lose sight of the particular gender of the person. Within Christian teaching, God created distinct genders to reflect Him. “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). Whatever else this means, we know that there is a difference between genders. This is nothing to do unequal dignity, value or worth. It has everything to do with becoming who we were originally intended to be, including our gender.