Am I a victim of domestic violence?

For women (and sometimes men) stuck in domestic violence relationships, life feels like being a prisoner of war. The home is a prison and it feels like there is no way out. Worse, because of the nature of the abuse, many women struggle to even know they are being abused. They have been made to feel like it’s their fault, that whatever abuse they’ve been dealt could have been avoided if they didn’t keep messing up — all of which is exactly what the abuser puts in their head again and again. Even their perception of reality is under the abuser’s control. Below are the three phases of what domestic violence expert Donald Dutton calls The Cycle of Violence. If you think you are in an abusive relationship please reach out to someone.

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Three Phases of the Cycle of Violence

1.) Tension phase. The batterer will appear to be more serious, and may seem to be depressed. They complain more and are more easily irritated. Sometimes there is a trigger to this and other times it is totally an internal phase that just comes upon them without an external cause. Many men will ruminate on negative thoughts of themselves, all the things that are going on in their lives, or on unfounded thoughts of a partner’s possible affair. These fears and rumination show their dependence on their partners, masked in a cruel control. The idea that they will be alone is so terrifying to them, that the tension of what could possible go wrong continually builds up. Even in their fear of abandonment, they will be distant, and talk in a cool tone. When women seek shelter from the abuse, these men’s worst fears begin to come true and they become more dangerous than they ever were before. 

2.) Active battering phase.  Often begins when the man’s identity feeling undermined, on the brink of a loss. Some define it as the “red out” where the man appears to be so angry that he is not him self, and has no empathy. The battering is a release of the pent up tension and can be pleasurable to the abuser. Because of the possibility of loss that they feel, they are extremely anxious, have rage and tunnel vision. They can only think of their worst fears coming true. If a man is a repeated abuser, he can become addicted to this tension release, continuing the cycle of battering. 

3.) The contrition phase, a man can show a range of behaviors, from denial, attempts to atone for their behavior, or a promise to reform. In this phase, a suicide threat is common from the batterer, not wanting their partner to leave. The contrition phase ends when the abuser starts putting his wife down again in order to boost his ego and keep his sense of self intact. The cycle begins again as he subtly finds things about her to obsess about or control. For the partner, they can experience traumatic bonding, where they are bonded to their partner, but he holds much more power over her. The unpredictability of it all reinforces this, because the partner will keep hoping that it will get better, believing the promises of reform, which do show remorse, but no true repentance.